Fancy getting kinky? So do a lot of other people!
By Miranda Christophers
According to research carried out by The Journal of Sex Research (2017) up to 50% of us are interested in kink ( while a third of people have practiced it once and more than 1 in 5 people (Study of Sexual Diversity in the US ) practice kink regularly in the sex lives. The studies have been anonymous as, like many things with sex, people feel a little uncomfortable talking about them.
"So, it’s fair to say that you are perfectly normal if kink interests you and equally so if you prefer vanilla sex"
So what is Kink?
Kink is a broad term that covers any sexual practices that fall outside of what we would conventionally deem as the ‘norm’. This of course makes things tricky as ‘norms’ are ever-changing and what might be considered as kinky to one might be considered as vanilla to another.
Before embarking on any form of Kink it’s good to set out a few basic rules that you should follow to ensure it is always consensual and safe.
Some Basic Rules for Undertaking Kink Activities
1. Consent
This is the most important rule of kink. Before participating in any form of kink with anybody you should have an open conversation with your partner(s) about what you would like to do and ensure that all parties are happy and consent to the proposed activities. If anyone is not happy then you must NOT coerce or force them to take part against their will.
2. Set a 'Safe Word'
It is really important that you agree a ‘Safe Word’ with your partner(s) before embarking on any form of Kink activity. If anyone begins to feel uncomfortable at any point during the process they just have to say the ‘Safe Word’ and all parties will immediately halt what they are doing.
3. Agree the Boundaries
It is important to set out your own personal limits and know the limits of the partner(s) that you are with. Discuss them and make it very clear so that all parties understand what the hard limits are i.e. these are things that non-negotiable and that you should never look to try and exert pressure for your partner to undertake (or vice versa), and the soft limits i.e. ones that you or your partner have expressed interest in trying but are a little unsure and so must be approached in a cautious and considered way and be stopped immediately should either party say the ‘Safe Word’.
4. Keep Communicating Throughout
Communication is important in our sex lives in order to maximise pleasure, sexual wellness and positive connection with others. It is even more important when embarking on sexual exploration with others to ensure you are on the same page and feel you can share if something doesn’t feel right, and that others feel the same. You can check in by asking if someone is enjoying it, or if they would like to do anything differently – be open and share how you feel too. Do you want to try something again that you’ve tried already or try something new? The great thing about keeping the communication going is that you are exploring and enjoying a journey together – you can then know whether you are going fine on the path you are, or whether turning in another direction would be more enjoyable. Some people find communication easier than others so find a way that works for you and be mindful of encouraging it within partners.
5. Try to Keep an Open Mind
When embarking on sexual exploration with partners try to keep an open mind and be conscious of how you respond to hearing other people’s sexual interests, desires and preferences. A lot of us feel a bit shy or embarrassed about the prospect of sharing our deepest, darkest fantasies and kinks so bear this in mind when someone is sharing theirs with you. Sometimes we find that trying something we hadn’t previously given any thought to is really enjoyable and at other times there may be things that a partner likes that you just wouldn’t want to try, and that’s ok – just think about how you respond so no-one feels shamed. Turn on’s may vary between partners but with an open mind you can enjoy spicing up your sex life together.
6. Above All be Respectful at All Times
Whilst some act’s within Kink can at first glance seen that they push boundaries, they do need to be underpinned by respect of others that you are taking part with. In fact it is the mutual respect that underpins it for many people who explore Kink with partners that actually creates the safe, boundaried and pleasurable experiences which can also create greater degree of depth to the relationships. To know you can share so much with people in a respectful and trusting way can be hugely liberating as well as extremely exciting.
Exploring some Popular Kink Activities
Whilst the term Kink can be used for a wide of activities, it typically includes some practices such as:
1
Role Play and Fantasy
The majority of us have sexual fantasies so bringing these into partnered sex through talking about them and acting them out between you can be very pleasurable. This may be limited to talking about sexual fantasties or erotic talk during sex or involve dress up taking on roles such as, boss/employee, doctor/nurse, masseuse, stranger, one clothed – the other naked etc. It really can be what ever floats your boat and doesn’t need to be a full on performance so don’t be put off if you feel a little less confident – just think about what turns you on and be led by that.
2
Sensation Play
This covers a wide range of activities based on the receiving or withholding of certain stimuli. In terms of stimulation this could be through the use of an ice cube and using it to caress the skin of your partner, known as temperature play. Other examples of sensation play may involve some form of sensory deprivation such as the use of a blindfold to deprive your partner of their sight (losing one of more senses can heighten the others which can lead to an intensification of pleasurable sensations. You really can let you imagination run wild with this one and it can be very non-threatening and an easy first step into the world of kink.
3
Impact Play
Impact play covers activities such as spanking, flogging and other forms of consensual striking of your partner. The key here is that it is consensual and that you have clearly set out boundaries beforehand so that all parties have discussed and agreed such things as the levels of intensity that you (or your partner) enjoys, what parts of the body you are comfortable with having impact play on and that you have an agreed “safe word” that you can use to immediately stop anything should you or your partner feel uncomfortable. Maybe start with a hand first on the more protected (fatty) areas such as the buttocks and thighs to lessen pain until you are both comfortable before moving onto impact toys such as crops, paddles or whips.
4
Group Sex
According to an American survey of 4,175 individuals carried out by the Kinsey Institute sex researcher Dr Justin Lehmiller, threesomes are the most common sexual fantasy however for many it remains a fantasy but a little bit of kink can mean incorporating it as fantasy play with a partner via the use of fantasy talk, sex toys and porn. Others may like to act it out with additional people in group sex – threesomes, foursomes and sex parties – which may include swinging, swapping and orgies. Know and sharing your boundaries with who you are with and always practise safe and consensual sex.
5
BDSM
The term BDSM includes Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. The broad terms encompases a wide range of activities from spanking to pain play, dominant and submissive (dom/sub) roleplay such as master/sex slave, restraints from cuffing to ropes and bondage parties. BDSM is a wide arena and as you are embarking on power-play it is important to ensure it is safe and fully consensual. Informed consent between people is known as SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink). You should know each other’s boundaries before you indulge as if someone is ‘in role’ and this hasn’t been discussed, then they may not be able to communicate that they really want something to stop. Similarly the other may not realise they actually mean it. It is always recommended to agree on a safe word between you which means ‘stop immediately’. This should be something completely unrelated to sex so that it is entirely clear when you say it such as ‘Coconut’. Using a traffic light system can also be helpful – Green (I’m happy, keep going), Amber (Reel it in, I’m reaching my limit), Red (Stop immediately). Don’t feel put off by some of the extremes of BDSM – it is very much a spectrum. It can be incorporated into a sex life to create an increase in variety and excitement and is definitely something you can play with tamely such as using a blindfold, handcuffs and feather or lightly use a hand paddle or a bit of dom/sub roleplay (think Fifty Shades!).
6
Fetishes
Fetishes come under the umbrella of kink but a fetish differs to a kink in the sense that to be a true fetish the person would be unable to get aroused without it. So while kinks are preferences, fetishes mean the person feels more dependant on or may be fixated by the fetish item. The list of sexual fetishes may be never-ending but include more common ones such as:
- Feet
- Latex
- Restraints
- Group Sex
- Wearing specific clothing
- Voyeurism
- Exhibitionism
- Food
- Urine
- Hair
And so the list goes on… These can of course be incorporated into kink play for anyone and many may enjoy group sex, sex in risky places, dress up or messy play etc.
The majority of us have sexual fantasies so bringing these into partnered sex through talking about them and acting them out between you can be very pleasurable. This may be limited to talking about sexual fantasties or erotic talk during sex or involve dress up taking on roles such as, boss/employee, doctor/nurse, masseuse, stranger, one clothed – the other naked etc. It really can be what ever floats your boat and doesn’t need to be a full on performance so don’t be put off if you feel a little less confident – just think about what turns you on and be led by that.
7
Voyerism / Exhibitionism
A third of people (The Journal of Sex Research 2017) are interested in Voyeurism while arguably far more are if we think of porn use. This can include anything from enjoying watching someone undressing to watching or listening to others having sex. Exhibitionism involves being observed by others, such as having sex in front of others or sex in risky places where you may be seen (outdoors/in front of windows etc). Both voyeurism and exhibitionism can be incorporated into a sex life to spice it up with a little kink, depending on what is a turn on for you. It goes without saying, it is crucial to keep it legal and consensual.
A parting thought
Kink can really be what you want it to be and how, if and when you choose to include it in your sex life is entirely up to you. Things to consider are your own interests and limits and know those of your partner/s. Keep it safe, legal, consensual and enjoyable!
Miranda Christophers: Sex & Relationship Therapist / Contributing Editor
Miranda is a COSRT Accredited Sex and Relationship Therapist and a regular media contributor who promotes a sex positive attitude with a philosophy that sex is the most natural source of pleasure which should be enjoyed healthily by all no matter gender, age, ethnicity or relationship status. Her views are embedded in social and sexual equality and the liberation of people to have choice.
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