10 Ways to Spice up your Sex Life
By Miranda Christophers
Although a lot of us like the idea of making sex a little more exciting or different at times, it can be tricky to know where to start or how to suggest it to a partner. So if you are curious about spicing things up then we have some tips as to how to go about it!
1. Flirt
Flirting feels good. Getting flirty changes the vibe of your communication – it is playful, suggestive and rouses the dopamine levels. It is also something that a lot of people do without realising and something that disintegrates in many relationships over time. Yet, this is definitely something we can consciously inject back in. Think playful, a little teasing, a little suggestiveness, throw in glances or non-verbal cues – keep it light and let it grow naturally rather than go from 0 – 100 if you feel that suits your personality or relationship better. Flirting can be in person or via technology or social media – emojis can help lighten. Playing around with different apps can be fun too. You could set up a different messaging app on your phone such as Wickr Me or Signal and use it only for flirting, playfulness or sexting – it breaks the routine and creates a bit of novelty and excitement when a message arrives.
2. Plan time to ask your partner what things they might like to try
If you want to get more adventurous with a partner, it’s worth talking about what you both may like. One way to approach this, is to talk about it when you are both relaxed and in a more playful mood – you might do it in while getting frisky, or on the sofa with a glass of wine – or maybe it’s easier to have a flirty conversation about it on Whatsapp. You can start by asking if they would like to try some new things. If they seem unsure, then it’s worth understanding more about why and what they particularly like about your sex life. They may feel nervous, or worry that you are bored of the sex you have, so make sure that you reassure them that you enjoy it but are just thinking of how you can mix things up a little for additional excitement.
3. Create a Frisson
In order to create a little frisson and increase sexual tension, there needs to be differentiation – we need to break the over-familiarity to help create it. This can be as simple as changing routines – Having dates where you meet somewhere, rather than leaving your home together (this can create a sense of excitement in the anticipation and recontextualise how you see them); Be intentional – if you find that you are always touching and there is a blur between tenderness and sexual intimacy you might think about mixing it up so you can create a little tension. Perhaps you always curl up on the sofa together – what if you didn’t one week? What if you sat a slightly different way so that when you touch, you are touching intentionally. This could create a little longing and anticipation as well as excitement when you do.
4. Be Open, Don't be shy about telling your partner what turns you on
Ask them about their turn on’s or fantasies. Many people feel shy about this so you might share something with them to start the conversation. It could be as simple as suggesting sex in a different place or position. You could take it in turns to share a thought and ask if it floats the other’s boat – think about dress up, roleplay, toys, a little bit of kink, verbalising fantasies during sex or look through our store for ideas. A key thing to remember is to be considerate of each other’s feelings – mention this at the start. Such as, ‘If either of us don’t like an idea, don’t react with horror, just say you don’t fancy that, and suggest something else that you might’. One of the main fears around sharing fantasies is the fear of being mocked or rejected. Knowing that you can share fantasies together can bring you closer – both sexually and emotionally.
5. Spontaneous v Scheduled
Actually, a bit of both can help to spice things up. People often ended up doing one of the other of these. However, as we know, once something becomes samey, It risks losing the excitement or level of pleasure. Scheduled sex can be VERY sexy. When you think about it, we do it more when we are dating – get dressed up, meet up and expect to end up getting intimate. So what if you said, ‘Meet me after work on Friday with a bottle of something, dressed for a little sexiness’. You then have days to enjoy the anticipation of how it may go, and what you could do. You can plan what you would like it to look like based on your turn-ons and flirt ahead of it. Equally, spontaneity can throw in thrills and heighten a sexual experience. Join them in the shower, canoodle in the kitchen, in front of a mirror when they are getting ready to go out. Mix it up!
6. Explore Each Other
Do you really know what feels good? From how you like to be touched to what your partner likes and where? Have you used a feather between their thighs? Had your partner nibble or breathe against your ear? Stroke your perineum? Make some time to get sensation focused and explore. Focus on how if feels to touch and be touched. Remove or heighten senses. Do music or certain scents heighten feelings of arousal? Play with hands, lips, silk, oils, feathers. A different approach to intimacy can increase pleasure and intensify feelings and orgasms.
7. A Bit of Kink
Kink can involve anything from dressing up to roleplay and from toys to BDSM amongst other things. Varying it up might start with thinking about turn-on’s or getting inspiration online or through jooi’s articles on Kink. Roleplays may include dressing in costume or simply acting out such as doctor/patient, boss/PA etc or could involve domination and submission, restraints, pain-play etc. You may like the idea of including other people – interacting with, watching or being watched by. Whatever you choose to do just ensure you are both on the same page, know each other’s turn on’s turn off’s and agree on boundaries, with safe words for when you want to stop immediately. Things can be experimentation, one-off’s or something you bring into your sex lives more often – you decide on what works for you.
8. Mix it Up with Solo Sex
If it’s for solo sex then think about what you might like and set aside some uninterrupted ‘me time’ to indulge. It might be that you start with fantasy or researching more about what interests you. You might enjoy apps such as Dipsea (porn for the ears) and Sunsette (Erotic reads) as well as experimenting with different self-pleasure techniques (OMG Yes!). Sex toys on Jooi, such as the vibrators or fleshlights are also great to mix up the sensations.
9. Create Differentiation
One of the important things to remember is over-familiarity can be a passion killer. Don’t morph into one person or lose your own identities as individuals. Spend time apart, have your own hobbies, be an individual who is part of a couple rather than an ‘other half’. See your partner the way others may see them – you want to be able to pick up on their energy, attractiveness, uniqueness – this will help to keep you on your toes and keep the chemistry alive.
10. It can just be about adding some variety every now and again...
Some people worry that they will not be able to go back to what they already know they like if they start to experiment, but this is not the case at all. It can just be about injecting a little variety every now and again to mix things up a little – a bit like eating something different to the norm once in a while. Others find that the new adventures do become the new norm and that’s great if that works. Everyone is different so we don’t need to fit into a prescribed norm when it comes to sex. At jooi, we believe you should healthily explore and enjoy the sex life you desire.
Miranda Christophers: Sex & Relationship Therapist / Contributing Editor
Miranda is a COSRT Accredited Sex and Relationship Therapist and a regular media contributor who promotes a sex positive attitude with a philosophy that sex is the most natural source of pleasure which should be enjoyed healthily by all no matter gender, age, ethnicity or relationship status. Her views are embedded in social and sexual equality and the liberation of people to have choice.
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